Super Bowl Showdown: Steelers vs. Packers

If you’re anything like us, you’re really tired of hearing all the talking heads yammer on about statistics and players and Super Bowl preparations.

We love football as much as the next person, but geez Louise. This isn’t Trivial Pursuit, let’s just get to the game already! So we’re predicting the game winner in a way that everyone — from football fanatic to layperson — can understand and appreciate.

We’ll compare the teams in a variety of random categories. Points will be based on football scores, and the end result will predict the 2011 Super Bowl champs!

Should you doubt our method, then let us tell you that last year’s Showdown, using this same procedure, correctly called that the underdog New Orleans Saints would take home the trophy. Place your bets now, folks!

Time for kickoff!

FIRST QUARTER: UNIFORMS Let’s be honest: Neither of these teams is winning any fashion contests with their get-ups. Each team gets safety points (+2) for their main hues: Forest green and black are both inoffensive and harmless colors. Unfortunately, both the Packers and Steelers also boast a hideous shade of yellow that will disintegrate one’s eyeballs as quickly as staring directly into the sun. So really, the question becomes: Which team makes the best use of its mustard monstrosity? And the answer is, the Steelers (+3). First, the black and yellow color combo has better and more brilliant contrast; second, lots of fierce things are black and yellow, like hornets and black eyes. STEELERS: 5 PACKERS: 2

SECOND QUARTER: SUPER SNACKS It’s not a Super Bowl party without a boatload of food, and any shrewd hosts and hostesses will offer delicacies that represent each of the competing teams. Green Bay and its home state are renowned for delicious cheeses (+7). If you do not enjoy cheese, it is impossible to enjoy life. Period. Plus, cheese can be used with all kinds of other Super Bowl snacks, such as nachos, burgers, fruit and cheese trays — hell, you can even fry it (+3)! Its other big contribution is the bratwurst (+3). These two items, plus beer, are game-day delicacies. Nice work, Green Bay. Pittsburgh is the birthplace to America’s favorite condiment, Heinz ketchup, as well as Klondike bars (+3). And, perhaps the coolest thing is that a restaurant there has actually fashioned a sandwich after the Steelers’ quarterback (+7,) and how many teams can say that? The “Roethlisburger” features beef, sausage, egg and cheese … which means you should probably seek out some Tums later than day. STEELERS: 5 (+10) = 15 PACKERS: 2 (+13) = 15

THIRD QUARTER: TEAM NAMES Since Green Bay doesn’t officially have a mascot-mascot, we’re just scoring what each team name represents. And it just so happens, both of them are based on blue collar jobs. The third-oldest professional football team, the Packers’ name originates from the Indian Packing Company, which funded its uniforms and equipment when the team got its start in 1919. Pittsburgh’s squad was originally called the Pirates, and a newspaper contest in 1940 helped give them the current name, which is based on the city’s thriving steel industry. Since neither name is particularly threatening, we’re going the rock-paper-scissors route on this one. Steel could crush the cardboard boxes in which items are packed, so Pittsburgh scores (+3) in this quarter. STEELERS: 15 (+3) = 18 PACKERS: 15 (+0) = 15

FOURTH QUARTER: FAN PARAPHERNALIA This year’s Super Bowl is not only a battle on the gridiron, but a showdown of ostentatious fan items. We love that cheese is an offical part of Green Bay’s fan cheer (+3). But the Packers’ cheesehead hats are enormous and would severely limit your range of motion in already-cramped stadium seating or someone’s living room party. It also blocks other people’s vision and messes up hairdos, and there’s nothing good about either of those things. Somehow, though, we find the Steelers fans’ Terrible Towels to be even more annoying, because fans seem to spend more time whipping them around than they do watching the game, and this also can obstruct others’ views. Still, at least the towels are multi-purpose items. You can clean up beer spills, wipe errant Roethlisburger bits from your chin, or use them to sop up tears in the event of a loss (+6, plus the two-point conversion = 8). In addition, they are easy to store, unlike a cheesehead, which would take up valuable real estate no matter where it goes. No contest here, folks. Towels over hats. STEELERS: 18 (+8) = 26 PACKERS: 15 (+3) = 18

Bottom line: Even with heavenly cheese in its corner, it appears Green Bay isn’t cut out for a Super Bowl win against the Steelers based on the above categories. Who knows, though? Perhaps the spirit of legendary Packers coach Vince Lombardi — after whom the Super Bowl trophy is named — will present itself and give them the extra push they need to take it all home. Regardless of who prevails, though, we hope you enjoy some really dope snacks at your party. These teams’ gutbomb foods are tailor-made for the biggest game of the year!

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